I Was Never Worth It
by DarkDanny
Summary: Friends are hard to come by for a man like Wade Wilson. Losing Cable was even harder. Wade questions his worth.


_This will probably be my only foray into comic book writing. I love Deadpool. been a fan for a very long time. One of the few I could ever get into Having read through Cable and Deadpool at long last I felt that the touching goodbye between Wade and Nate was probably one of the most powerful moment's either one of them ever had. Anyway. I hope you all enjoy. _

_I Was Never Worth It_

_..._

_

* * *

..._

"_Do not say thank you... Do not say__ you're proud of me... Do not say goodbye."_

_The two men stared into each others eyes One man seemingly resign to his fate, the other surprisingly determined to change the first man's mind on the matter. It was a fruitless venture. The decision was already finalized The moment the first man glanced at the second._

_He didn't have to say goodbye to him verbally. They both knew that time they would ever see each other again. It was only a matter of convincing the second man that he did enough, that he was proud of him and everything they had done together in what felt like a short time since they had became friends. _

_Slowly, the older man dropped his eyes from the masked man and looked down. A twitch of his lips flashed across his face._

"_Your zipper is down." He spoke plainly, his index finger pointing it out for the man dressed in black and red._

_The masked man twitched and allowed a small cough in reaction. He ignored the remark, his eyes determinedly focused on the old warriors face who was now looking back up, but his finger still outstretched. The staring contest continued with the old warrior noticing that the masked man's body was shaking as if he was forcing himself not to look._

_A long tension filled moment past by, both the seasoned warrior and the masked man were reminiscing on memories long gone. Memories both grudgingly admitted to only themselves, that they wished they could have a chance to do it all again. The older man's face broke into a slight smirk. At long last the masked men finally looked down to dine that, in fact the zipper to outfits crotch was still up._

_The masked man looked back up, his mask scrunched up as he looked into the older man's eyes. The older man smiled, conveying his unspoken words of gratitude, of pride for the younger man that he tried so hard to bring a sense of humanity back to. Tears glistened his eyes as he slowly realized that once he was gone. All the progress he made was only bound to die with him. It was unavoidable._

"_Made... Made you look." He finally managed to get out as he held his regretfully gaze on his comrade, his mirror to his own worth, his student. Most of all, his friend._

_The masked man exhaled a small breathing huff. Slowly he took several long steps back and turned. He ran, he ran as fast as he could to hide his mask dampening from his own tears of sorrow for the man who kept him sane and most importantly, human._

"_You are so immature!" The mask man said over his shoulder as he was about to disappear from sight from his mentor. He did not notice the man's smile through strained tears. Nor was he able to hear the last words that his friend had whispered to himself._

"_Thank you, Wade. I'm so proud of you. Goodbye, my friend." _

...

* * *

...

_Nate... _

_It wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it._

He sat on the edge of his bed, his head hung low as he stared into the photo in his hand. It was him and Nate. In Nate's hands was his dismembered arm posed halfway as if he was returning it to his rightful owner. Their was a massive grin on Cable's usually stoic expression. Wade Winston Wilson had a sketchy member at best about what occurred. He assumed it must have been an accident. That or Nate cut it off whenever Wade attempted to play Rock, Paper scissors and 50 Megaton Nuclear Weapon with him.

Wade always chose the 50 Megaton Nuclear weapon option.

The disfigured merc set the picture down and leaned forward; Sliding himself off the bed and onto the floor.

Cable was gone forever. Nate was gone forever. His friend was gone forever. there woud be no coming back for him.

His head drooped low as the thoughts of all the arguments the two had. They were different people personality wise. They did share something however. They were alone. Lost in a world that could barely tolerate them. No one in this world or any alternate timelime where everyone was evil and had goatees would ever tolerate them. Wade, the lunatic homicidal Merc. Nate, the stoic asshole with a heart.

No one would give a shit about Nate's death more then him. That was what made it so hard for him. No one cared. Just another goddamn dead mutant. No heroes burial, no 21 gun salute, a flag and comforting words to Nate's parents. For all anyone cared, he could have showed up, saved the world, killed the president and wandered off into the sunset a free man and no one would have even noticed it.

Cable deserved better then this. Definitely better than him as one of the few who mourned for him. What was he to Cable? Just an annoyance at first. Soon enough enough, annoyance turned into indifference, indifference became acceptance, acceptance became comradeship, Comradeship? That soon blossomed into friendship.

A friend. Friendship was rare these days for him. There was two major opinions on him that he was painfully aware of. The first was that he was merely a science experiment gone wrong. a genetic freak that did not even belong with the mutants. The X-men had no use for him, the bad dudes did not even want him. He was just a rampaging hired gun that would screw them over.

The second was already said. His work as a mercenary had giving him an image of of a disloyal, solo Merc who was only in it for the money. Truth be told. Wade could have quit years ago. He could have been out of the gun for hire game years ago. Problem was, that was all he knew how to do. It was the only thing keeping his mind occupied enough that it did not slip into total insanity. So, a reputation was born.

Then, there was Nate... Nate and Sandi and anyone who ever paused to think about him in a way other then just a freak or a murderer. They all pushed back the notions of what he was and saw what Wade Wilson, brainless. emotionless, souless gun for hire really was. Human, like the rest of them.

_Nate... _

Wade bowed his head, commiserating the loss of his friend. A friend who, despite their vast difference, believed him him more then any other. In what little he called a mind left, memories, clear and deluded reminded him of the patience the dying man had for him. There was only one thing he could express however.

_I was never worth it._

...

* * *

...

He'd been upstairs for two hours too long. leaving the small little party assembled in his living room. a party where he was the guest of honor. Sandi Brandenberg couldn't help but feel annoyed for her friends rude behavior. As annoyed as she was, she could not hep but understand the reason to why he was gone.

Cable was gone, Nathan was gone.

Wade was a man of few friends. He was a man who could not keep friends nor could he make them easily. With his conditions, people were quick to assume that all he was, was a hired gun sociopath. On occasions, they'd be correct as well. But it was all just armor to hide what he was. Like wearing his mask was not to conceal his identity, it was to not scare the few friends he had left.

Wade was fragile in every way that was important to her, mentally, emotionally. It caused her great heartbreak when she paused to think about the things Wade was forced into. An abusive home, a terminal illness... deemed a Weapon X failure and left to die. Even when he proved the assholes wrong, he was still an utter social pariah, even to his own kind.

Yet...He never let it show. Not publicly at least, he was so strong, he needed to be to maintain his image in the business he was in. He could have did what others did. He could have left to seek revenge against a world that wronged him and he, of all people, would have been completely justified to do so. Sandi was surprised that Wade had never resorted to a revenge that would make that moody asshole, Wolverine look like child's play.

Perhaps Wade was strong like that. Strong enough enough to know that revenge never helps as much as it sounds. It still however meant that he most likely bottled so much bitterness and sheer disappointment that the world never had to see the wraith of an enraged Deadpool, hurting himself even more. Sandi knew better, It was only matter of time until that strength broke, She just prayed it wouldn't be because of Nate's Death. Cable would not want that as his final tribute.

She looked up. Anthony was making small talk with Inez 'Outlaw' Temple, probably about previous work and techniques. Whatever it was it did not matter as she approached the two of them, They looked up at her, curious as to why the secretary wanted to speak about.

"Wade's been gone for too long, I'm going to go check up on him..." She announced to them. Outlaw nodded and smiled slightly in understanding but Anthony, gripped onto her arm, causing Sandi to flinch involuntarily. Tony noticed the subtle change in her expression and eased to a gentle grasp.

"If he's upset, be careful... I'll be up in fifteen minutes, just in case."

Sandi nodded curtly and pried her arm away from Tony who was resetting his Taskmaster persona back on, just in the unlikely event that Wade went ballistic on her. She slipped away turned around, slowly walking away from the crowd as she went to find her boss. No, her best friend.

The noise of the party faded off in the distance as she reached the farthest corner of his apartment. It was Wade's bedroom, the door was half cracked open, inviting the woman into the darkened room. She declined the offer, but stood in the doorway. Her hands reached over the light switch, slowly she turned them on.

There was a figure sitting on his bed, hutched over in the shadows with something in his hands. It was Wade and he had ignored the light beaming off his back completely. His mask was off, the only thing that was visible was small clumps of brown patched across his scalp and a crisscross pattern of horrible burns, scars and tissue damage from the tumors that accelerated across his body after the project failed him.

Sandi bit her lip. She hated to admit this. While she considered herself a close, good friend to the Merc, it was still hard to look at him, even with his head turned. While she ever did admit it to him, He knew full well what others, including herself thought of what he looked like. Ergo the reason for that stupid inside out Spider-Man mask.

"Wade?" Sandi called out uncertainly toward the shadow soaked figure. "Wade are you okay?"

Wade was startled only slightly and stood up, moving around like he was busy doing something other then sulking away from his friends.

"Why wouldn't I be? Just looking my newest Batman comic." The Merc with the mouth stated adamantly, his back stilled turned towards the closet packed full of various firearms stashed away. Wade giggled to himself, seemingly excited at the prospect of getting to read a comic book that he probably never had.

Sandi knew what this was. All the jokes, the laughing, the sheer lunacy was a well placed cover. He was brooding, mourning for the loss of one of the few true friends he had. She couldn't blame him. Men like Wade had few true friends. Everyone was so judgment of the Merc with the mouth. They had all seemingly forgotten that the Deadpool they knew was just as human as any being on this planet.

"That wacky Batman, whose real identity is none other then Billionaire industrialist, Bruce Wayne!" He spoke in an announcer's voice. His hands raised over his head excitedly."Him and Harley Quinn are going to make babies soon. I just know they will!"

Sandi it her lip, trying not to smile at his false cheerfulness. Even if it was fake, it was rather infectious and completely endearing.

"Firstly, That is never going to happen, Wade." Sandi said, only slightly amused as she added. "Secondly I know that you're lying to me... do you wanna talk about it?"

The Merc paused, going completely rigid at the remark. Wade huffed lowly, it was almost inaudible, "Why?" he demanded to know. The young woman shrugged to herself, knowing full well that Wade was watching her from the corner of his eye.

"Because it helps." She returned rather lamely. Wade chuckled, slowly at first but soon the low rumble became a full out eruption of humorous laughter that both scared and entranced the girl.

"Reeeeally?" Wade spoke in a loud excited voice of which was filled with childlike wonder, "Does it help me bring him back from the dead?"

Sandi said nothing. Wade however, wasn't done yet.

"Not only that; Will it help me in other ways?" He spoke, losing his sarcastic edge, as the volume of the voice became louder and louder with a growing rage, "will it take away his illness and allow me a chance to go back in time in a sweet ass 1982 DMC Delorean and tell my younger self that, '_hey my good man, maybe it's better to die from a malignant tumor then become this GODDAMN FREAK?_"

With a swing of his arm Wade threw the framed picture of himself and Nate at the wall, shattering the glass. A scream erupted from his mouth as he swung his arms yet again, smashing everything in the vicinity off his bed table and smashed against the wall.

"No!" Sandi cried out overtop of the barrage of rage against Wade's personal effects. "Sometimes... Sometimes it helps deal with it. You talk and I listen and... I-I-I don't know, it just helps."

Wade slumped into his elbows into his knees, his hands cradling his shadowed face.

"About what exactly should we talk about Dr. Sandi? How Nate decided to blow himself up rather then continue to fight?" He scoffed rather sharply, surprising Sandy enough to make her flinch.

As quickly as his defeated posture was made present to Sandi it was gone. He stood up from his seat on the bed. His back was still turned away from. To her it was like he was ashamed, but of what? That he was mourning the loss of close friend? Ashamed of his appearance? With Wade nothing was for sure. Guesswork was impossible, so Sandi stayed quiet. Enough to allow him to tel her what was troubling him and coax him subtly.

Suddenly noise was made that Sandi had never expected to hear.

A sob.

Sandi widened her soft eyes, hand clutching her chest. Wade wasn't troubled or just put off with the loss. He was devastated, utterly devastated. A man with his background and crying did not go hand and hand.

"Or how about how he could have kept me there with him even if he wanted to blow himself up into teeny tiny pieces? He whispered to her "Why did he get rid of me? I wasn't worth him. Even after doing everything he wanted from me.. I still wasn't worth it."

Wade exhaled sharply and shook his head, his hands moving up to dry the mist in his eyes.

"Give me my mask," Wilson muttered monotonously. "I can't be seen like this... Not tonight. Scare everyone. Not a good party gag."

"No," Sandy denied, slipping the mask into her back pocket as she took a step forward, soothingly, she whispered, "you're amongst friends, Wade. You don't need this goddamn mask. Not tonight."

Slowly, the young former stripper turned secretary placed a small hand on the grieving Mercenary's back. Silence fell between them as Wade placed his own hand overtop of hers, it squeezed hers gently, looking for support. Sandi blinked furiously, she did not want to cry. Not right now...

"Please, Sandi." He all but begged her, "I need my mask, I-I need it."

Sandi exhaled shakily as she shook her head vividly as she leaned closer. Hesitantly, she lad her chin on the Mercenaries shoulder. She could feel the shaking of tension deep within her best friends body.

"Wade, it's just another one of your damn defenses," She spoke in a higher tone then she meant to, the broken tone in Wade's voice was making her lose the little command she had over him at the moment. Slowly, her hands fell around his back, wrapping him with her arms.

"I'll give it back when you understand how much w-we love you, Wade." She whispered again, her eyes downcasted to Wade's lap. Wade did not eve react to the words, not a flinch, not a word. Total and utter silence.

"Give me my mask, _now_." Was all he said. It was a plan emotionless request that chilled Sandi. Wade demanding for something usually meant he got it. Not this time, not until he could accept that not only was this not his fault but that there were people whom he could actually speak too.

"Not happening."

Pressure shot up through her hands. Wade's hands gripped them and pried them off his body. Before Sandi knew it she was on her bottom on the the floor by Wade's door. And him? He was turned around, glaring right at her. His face shone with pure rage which was only exemplified by the the fact that it was brutally mutilated. His sickeningly tumors covering the surface of his face seemed to be physically pulsating as he shook in unmitigated anger.

"GIVE ME MY MASK!" He roared at her his teeth baring at her menacingly. Sandi recoiled in sheer terror,

As instantly as he all but scream at her, he felt like shit.

Wade widened his eyes as if coming back his senses. He fell off the bed and tenderly approached the shaken woman. His jaw opened slightly, the expression was that of a man filled with painful guilt for shouting at, not only a victim of abuse, but his best alive friend like she was asking for it.

He closed the gap between them, now completely unaware of his strange shame of his appearance. Wade bowed his head, not sure how best to apologize to his friend.

Fortunately for him, had not needed too. Sandi latched herself at the guilty looking man and gripped him in a surprisingly tight for a much more fragile woman. He returned it, dropping his face down and resting his eyes into her shoulders. Silent tears slowly stained Sandi's blouse. She did not mind it. Wade was llowed to cry whenever he chose to.

The door cracked open from behind, causing Sandi to look back. It was Anthony. His were eyes unreadable as he watched over the two of them. slowly the sound of Wade's sobbing became more and more evident. The look on Anthony's face softened considerable as understanding became evident.

_"I'll go pick up some Mexican."_ he wordlessly mouthed to the young woman. Sandi, through her own ters, smied and nodded. As Tony closed the door behind him, slowly, she pressed her hand to the side of his cheek, raising his head up to meet her eyes, still soft and kind.

"Wade, you don't need it, not right now." She softly said to him; "This isn't just about... this." She continued, grazing bumpy, uneven flesh as it was normal. Wade sniffed weakly, faintly feeling her finger tips grazing him cooly.

"Wade. You were worth it." She assured the man kindly, her eyes shimmering with tears "You were worth his friendship, his mentoring, his focus... he was your friend. regardless of how you feel now."

Wade opened his mouth to protest, only to have Sandi's hand cover his mouth to shut him up.

"No, Wade!" She exclaimed, shaking her head trying to drive the point across to him; "You haven't grieved. This is normal and you'll get over this...this guilt. It'll go away and things will get better. I know it will because you have so many people in your life who want to be there for you if you just let them! They love you, as..as much as I do."

She was right. From Tasky to Outlaw, from Sandi to Weasel, from Al to Bob. Maybe people were out there, ready to help him. All he had to do was make an effort. Then perhaps the loss of Nathan would not hurt him so bad. He looked up, noticing the gentle sincerity in Sandi's bright eyes.

"Promise?" He asked rather childishly; The tone making Sandi smile and nod in agreement.

"I promise." She assured him warmly, smiling as she sketched the outline of a scar protruding up his left cheek, adding; "We'll be remembering him fondly in no time."

And then she kissed him.

She leaned in carefully, her lips pressed against his forehead. Sandi pulled away and smiled at the bemused expression on the usually unflappable man's face. She leaned in again rested her lips against Wade's, causing the Merc with the mouth to widen his eyes in utter shock. It was but a chaste kiss but it reminded him of a life before now. Filled with warm affection. It had been a long time since someone would touch him so tenderly with the face he had now.

A sudden wave of self conscience forced Wade back to the real world and broke the kiss and bowed his head, mumbling weakly and taking a deep breath. He did not notice Sandi, half smiling at the suddenly shy man. With a soft exhale, she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him back into an affectionate hug.

"I sent Tony on a Mexican food pickup; Time to binge out I think." She whispered into Wades's ear. Strangely, he chuckled, a foreign sound after everything the two of them spoke about over the past half an hour.

"Sent 'ol Tasky on a task, eh?."

Sandi merely rolled her eyes as she stood up, gropping the still unmasked Wade's hand.

"Come on, Wade. I've saved a seat just for you." She informed Wade, with a slight conspiratorial whisper, she added "I Tivoed the Golden Girls. The women are going to be meeting President Bush. It's going to be freaking Hilarious, right!"

Wade nodded his head politely and glanced at the broken picture frame of him and Nathan. Perhaps Sandi was right. That he had more people who cared for him than he thought. That perhaps the people in his life could see past the barriers that were set up by him accidentally.

He smiled.

Maybe he was worth it.

...

* * *

...

_I hope you liked reading this as much as I did writing it. I'm sorry that Deadpool isn't as funny as he ought to be. Honestly, I really like the moments where Deadpool is kinda sad or upset or bitter because it's so rare and heartbreaking to see. Anyways, as I said this wll robably be my only journey into this fandom. I have so much stories going on it's not funny. Take a look if you like, I hope you'll enjoy my other work :)_

_Be sure to review. I love feedback_

_DarkDanny  
_


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